I remember at 12 years old, climbing to the top bunk and scribbling a message to God on my ceiling. That was as close as I could get to where I thought God was, so in big penciled letters I had pleaded with him to save my grandmother’s life.
At the time, she was dying of stage 4 uterine cancer.
My grandmother had always been a heavy smoker.
Though my parents had explained to me time and time again her cancer had nothing to do with her lungs, I needed something to blame. One weekend, while she was in remission, my sis and I were at her house visiting and I threw an entire pack of her cigarettes into the trashcan.
She later discovered it there and inquired who did it. When she called me over, I had hung my head and explained why. She embraced me, said “I love you” and told me just as my parents had said, that she didn’t have lung cancer.
After some time, her cancer went out of remission.
I was lying on the top bunk sleeping one night when the telephone rang and awakened me. When I turned my head to the left, the alarm clock on my dresser read 2 am. My heart instantly dropped and as I heard my mom’s hushed whispers on the telephone, I turned back to the ceiling.
Through the moonlight I could just make out the message I had inscribed and glaring at it, I cried myself to sleep in a fit of angry tears.
The weeks following her passing, we went through my grandparent’s home and cleared out her belongings. I took one of her hat boxes and placed in it a few pieces of her jewelry and other small trinkets.
Every so often, I would open the box and the aroma of her perfume would fill my room and for a moment it felt like she was there.
More than 17 years have passed and I still think of her often. Sometimes she even graces me with a visit in my dreams.
The people who make an impact in our life will always be with us whether in life or in their passing.
I was thinking of my grandmother today and I’m so grateful to have crossed paths with her on this journey…
Thank you for reading